MISSION Story Slam Podcast Dr. Jennifer Gardella – Crowd Favorite MISSION Story Slam 10: The Message

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Michael Schweisheimer: You've pressed play on the Mission Story Slam podcast, which is brought to you by PWP Video. I'm Michael Schweissheimer, the executive producer at PWP Video, Mission Story Slam, and I am on a 450 day German streak with Duolingo. They are not a sponsor. Speaking of not having a sponsor, Hint, hint.

Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Uh, we did pull off an amazing Mission Story Slam 10 on June 4th at our New Home National Mechanics. The theme was The Message. Another hint, we already announced that Mission Story Slam 11 will be Tuesday evening, December 3rd, and we know we'll be back at National Mechanics. The theme will be It's a Family Affair.

So tell us if you want to be a sponsor, you can email us at info at p w p video. com, or you can reach us at the mission story slam. org website. Today's guest won the crowd favorite award, and her story is already the third most viewed out of the nearly 100 stories that have been told at mission story slam.

It comes as a little bit less of a [00:01:00] surprise if you know, Dr. Jennifer Gardella, because she is a digital marketer who specializes in social media strategies. But she is much more than her day job. And please let this be a trigger warning for the episode. Jennifer is a survivor of domestic violence.

Jennifer, I just really want to thank you for joining me on the podcast.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Well, thank you so much for having me.

Michael Schweisheimer: Congratulations on the big crowd favorite win.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Well, thank you.

Michael Schweisheimer: I'm assuming it was Dave Winston who reached out to you to let you know you won, right?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Actually, I got the notification on YouTube that you guys had posted another video.

I saw it there before I got any notifications.

Michael Schweisheimer: Oh boy. All right.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: I was very excited.

Michael Schweisheimer: We try to move fast to let everyone know who the crowd favorite winner is. And I know the day after the slam, Dave Winston had to be out. So we were juggling basically like chickens with their heads cut off when Dave Winston's not around.

Cause you know, it's his party. So you found it on YouTube. That's a fun way to know. So were you [00:02:00] surprised or just annoyed we didn't tell you first?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: No, I wasn't annoyed at all. I was actually, I'm always surprised. like this happen, it's, you know, just another credible mark in that my story is helping other people.

And that's really my goal in getting it out there. And I did watch the video several times, and I was just thrilled that you couldn't hear my voice trembling because I've spoken a lot on domestic violence. It was the first time I've ever shared the story under a time condition, and in such a unique way of.

tell the context within a story. So that was, it's a whole, it was a whole new world. And while I had it locked down, I practiced so much. I thought my dog could probably share it himself. Um, I had practiced so much, you know, it was still, I, I was a little nervous getting up there. So I was really honored that my message got across despite my shaking voice.

Michael Schweisheimer: When I was there in the room. And I've also watched it back multiple times to prep to talk to you today. I think that there's maybe one [00:03:00] moment where I heard like this tiniest little bit of tremble, but it was at a very emotional moment. So it didn't, to me. You never sounded scared, but

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: I could hear the emotion

Michael Schweisheimer: coming through.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah. I mean, I told the story of my escape, which involves my daughter who was in the room and she has been in the room where I have spoken before about this. And so I did learn not to look at her or else we both start crying. So

Michael Schweisheimer: that seems like a fair, Fair move. You know what? Let's do this. I think we should listen to your story now, and that way all of the audience, in case they weren't there with us, will be more up to date.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Hi, everyone. My name is Dr. Jennifer Gardella, and I am a survivor of vicious domestic violence at the hands of a sadistic abuser. Now, we all probably have a friend who's dating a jerk. He humiliates her in public. Maybe he calls the office 50 times a day, and he controls her entire life. And you sit and you wonder, [00:04:00] why doesn't she leave him?

Well, the story of my escape, which I'm going to share with you tonight, will answer that question. And my message is crystal clear. She stays because of the overwhelming number of barriers to escaping domestic violence, and she stays because of trauma bonds. So let's get started. So we were a blended family, and on a good day, because of his rage and his gaslighting, um, We were a pot of boiling water, but this was April of 2020.

COVID had just started. Our home was now like a pressure cooker. And my daughters and I decided that it was time that we get away for a little bit, maybe just a couple of weeks to let things calm down. And surely the virus was going to blow over by then anyway, right? So my daughter's apartment out at the University of Pittsburgh happened to be empty.

Her roommates were quarantining with their families. They had left beds and [00:05:00] kitchen items. And so it was a great place for us to go and relax a little bit while the house calmed down. We packed enough stuff for two weeks and we got in the car for our six hour drive from Doylestown, Pennsylvania to Pittsburgh.

20 minutes into that drive, my daughters started a conversation with me that would change the directory of my entire life. Mom, we have seen you being abused. We have heard you being abused. When he rages, we sit in the basement with our phones, scared to death, ready to call the police. And then they dropped the bomb.

We don't want to go back there ever again. Now let me tell you, in this moment, I wanted to fight back. It's not that bad. He's not beating us. It's all my fault. And we [00:06:00] can make it better. But I knew, this little light inside of me knew, that love shouldn't hurt, and that I was worthy of peace. So I turned to them and I said, we will not go back.

Oh my gosh. I then had five hours and 30 minutes left on this drive, where I could not phone a friend, and I could not even text, to figure out what I was going to do. I would come to learn that the first thing that I would go through were what we stereotypically call the barriers to abuse. Where were we going to live?

It was his house, and if I was leaving the relationship, we were leaving the house. Could I set up an apartment? Could I rent one? I wasn't really sure how that would work. Also, who was going to pay for it? We had spent, I had spent so much money trying to make him happy. [00:07:00] I had spent so much time, my business was dilapidated.

So I didn't actually have the funding to even be able to afford this. And also, who was going to tell him? On a good day, what we were going to have for breakfast usually ended up in a brawl with him. I knew I wasn't just going to sashay out of the relationship. And the rational conversations about leaving were probably not going to be had.

I was scared to death. And a big barrier that I started to face, I was madly in love with him. I know that sounds so strange, but how was I going to walk away from this relationship that I had kind of hung everything on? I was embarrassed. A second divorce? People were going to think that there was something wrong with me.

Why wasn't I a good wife? Why couldn't I make this work? And lastly, I started to battle the barrier of culture. This didn't happen where I came from. My family members, the older ones, were in 50 year marriages. My friends, [00:08:00] like the ones from college, were starting to hit 20 years. I was going to be the only one divorced once, let alone twice.

This, to me, seemed unbelievable. Those were the barriers. I'm now halfway on our trip to Pittsburgh. We stop for gas. I get back in the car. More time to think. And I start to think about what's called a trauma bond. Now I didn't have the words back then. I didn't know what this was actually called. But what I was fighting was this addiction that I had.

I had an addiction to my husband. This was strange. And it was more strange because he was always screaming at me. But what I came to learn is that this is the cycle of abuse. They hook you with these magical moments where they promise you the world. And then they slowly drag you in to what I now call the abuser's playground.

I knew that, again, love shouldn't hurt. And I knew that this wasn't actually love. But how was I going to break this addiction [00:09:00] to him? I had absolutely no idea. I just knew it was probably going to break my heart. Six hours after we started, we arrived in Pittsburgh. And we stayed there now for one full month.

Where I did arrange a place back in Doylestown for us to rent. We moved in, and I started immediately charging my rent, my credit card, and everything else in our lives, because it was the only way I had to pay for things. I did my healing through a woman's place at Domestic Violence Center in Doylestown, Pennsylvania.

Endless trauma therapy, support groups, and educational programs. And I also became very familiar with something called post separation abuse, where I suffered with 105 instances of stalking, harassment, and unwanted communication over the last four years. But, I had escaped domestic violence. [00:10:00] Despite those barriers, and despite that trauma bond, which I did eventually break, that so many victims and survivors struggle with.

Now. Before Chris gets any closer, you may be wondering, Jen, how is everyone doing? Well, I will tell you that my daughters are thriving and my business, it actually is chugging along. And I'm now an ad, a trained advocate who's running those educational programs and the support groups. And you will notice there are rings on my finger that connect me with the man in the bonds of matrimony.

We are built, he's a little crazy, but we are Bill. We are building a very strong and healthy relationship and he has come into my life with great compassion. But my time here with you is up, and those are stories for another day.

Michael Schweisheimer: That was a good night of stories. So having the crowd favorite is a big accolade.

You share your story a lot in different types of [00:11:00] settings. Have you shared it in that narrative structure before, or was this a completely different telling for you of your survivor story?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Uh, this was completely different. And so I've spoken at fundraisers. I did a candlelight vigil and it's always beginning, middle, end, right?

Most of the time it's revolved around a woman's place. So it's all about where I was, what the abuse looked like, how I got out and then my healing journey. Those pieces have always been like the flow. This was incredibly different because the part about my daughters. Just usually is the most powerful part and people need to hear that.

Like, how did she get out? Everybody wants to know.

Michael Schweisheimer: It broadens the story out because it's clear that the situation was strong enough to motivate your children, even if they were young adults at the time, to take such a risk. Like that really explains the depth of the situation in a way that I think that maybe really grounded [00:12:00] me and like, Oh wow, that's a thing.

That's a lot going on.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah. And it wasn't until I really spoke about it the first time the executive director of a woman's place said, you know, Jen, they had a lot to lose in that conversation because they were prepared to walk away from me. They were not going back, but the former executive director said, yeah, but we have to realize you listened.

Michael Schweisheimer: Yeah, all credit to you. Please. I

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: was well out of abuse at this point and I went, Oh my gosh, like that's a huge part of it. How do we get the victim to listen? I went, wait, put that in my box for later on. We got to figure that out too. Right. And then how can you as a loved one, as a friend, as a colleague, if nothing else, draw on the strength that my kids had that one day and look at your victim and say, I'm here for you.

I don't know what you need. And that's a big part of it, right? We don't know, I, I have no idea what other people need. Whatever you need, I'm here for you. So, yeah.

Michael Schweisheimer: So we do get a lot of powerful stories at Mission StorySlam. As you heard that [00:13:00] night, we've had a few survivor stories over the years, but do you have any, I guess, advice is the right word for a storyteller who's pondering sharing something.

That is very private because I've seen a lot of power from someone using the opportunity to share something publicly for the first time.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah. I think when you're sharing something personal, make sure that you really want to share it

Michael Schweisheimer: and

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: make sure that there is, you're doing some good out there in the world.

Like a story slam. Your theme was right on. It was the message, right? What message do you want to convey? Write it out. Memorize it. The more comfortable you are, the more authentic you'll come across in your story. So do it with the mission of helping other people. And if you do it that authentically, Uh, and I, I think one of the things that I did with my story is I stayed on a short timeline, which really helped me up there.

You know, if, [00:14:00] if you, it didn't come through in the video all that well, but I actually talked about that six hour journey and I kept moving my hands as we got closer to Pittsburgh.

Michael Schweisheimer: Yeah, I did not notice that gesture, but it makes sense. And actually, if I think about it, I can recall it. Yeah.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah, I don't think I did it really well, but in my mind I was there.

So that, cause I said, okay, now we stop for gas. So, you know, time it out for yourself, but go in, you know, it's what they say. Like, be a giver with the story and know that you can help someone there. And yeah. Yeah, I like

Michael Schweisheimer: that. I like that advice about being a giver. I appreciate your being willing to share that kind of a story openly, publicly, on YouTube.

And I also want to point out, congratulations on your new healthy relationship. That's a nice way to end that story, I have to say, for sure.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah. And actually, one of the first times I've ever publicly come out and shared that I even got remarried. Oh. And as the words were coming out of my mouth on stage, I remember thinking, I'm going to want to share this with people.

And now a lot of people are going to [00:15:00] know. Yeah.

Michael Schweisheimer: That is an interesting way to tell, like, friends and followers about the, the new relationship. That's pretty wild.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah, it was. And it just, it felt right. It never felt right before. My husband and I are very careful for many reasons about our relationship and incredibly private, but it felt right to be able to share it there.

Michael Schweisheimer: Well, that's cool. That's, uh, I think that's the first, uh, to my knowledge, that's the first wedding announcement at Mission Story Slow. So, woo, we got to be part of that. That's pretty wild. And your husband was there too, right?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: He was there.

Michael Schweisheimer: That's great. I think it's a very wise move when you're going to tell a story that's so Personal and so we're so raw and you know where you're so exposing yourself like that to have some strong support with you

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah, and you know, it's also It's part of my world now me sharing.

My story is part of his world now and we have to be able I want him to know what [00:16:00] I'm saying out there about us about my past and also be able to talk about How hard it is for him sometimes to sit and listen to it And that just makes our relationship a lot stronger. You know, I'm so honest about the abuse and so honest about how in love I thought I was with my abuser.

And that's hard for Jim to hear, you know, because he has actually said to me. You know, why are you now in love with me? If you were in love with that, which is really the, and the having those kind of conversations within, you know, your marriage, I think are pretty important because better than let the question lie.

Michael Schweisheimer: Yeah.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: It's so important to talk about it.

Michael Schweisheimer: Well, and I mean, you talked about the fact that you were building a healthy relationship and I like that. That's, you know, that marriage isn't the end of the building. Isn't the end of the work. Right. So, um, that the work continues and, um, and good for you for, uh, For finding a relationship where, um, there's that parity that, that there's [00:17:00] safety for him to ask difficult questions as well as you being able to share difficult.

history. I think that, uh, that's the, that's a good recipe. I mean, I'm no counselor. I'm just saying it sounds, sounds pretty good. Tell me a little bit about what you're doing at a women's place in Doylestown. I know that's the organization that you wanted your crowd favorite prize to be donated to, which is great.

So tell me a little bit about About a women's place, how you found it.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: So we did escape and go to Pittsburgh for a month, but then we came back to Doylestown. And when we moved back to Doylestown, I started to live in the horrors of post separation abuse, knocking on my door, 50 phone calls a day, endless emails, threats showing up everywhere, stalking and harassing me.

Stalking and harassing my daughters, both of them, where they were working. It was frightening. And I called the woman's place because at the suggestion of a friend, and she said they can help you get a PFA, protection from abuse. It's the [00:18:00] Pennsylvania's version of a restraining order. I called the woman's place, hysterically crying.

Scared out of my mind for what was going on. Also in utter disbelief that this was my life. Like, how is this possibly happening to me? And the volunteer who picked up the phone said, we're going to get you the legal support that you need. You're hysterically crying, you're calling about a PFA, would you like to talk to someone?

And I said, I don't need the services of a domestic violence center. I wasn't hit verbatim. That's exactly what I said. And that volunteer on the 24 seven line that a woman's place has said to me, well, there's other forms of abuse. Would you entertain talking to someone? That's great. Did an intake. That's when eight sessions of crisis counseling.

The endless sessions of trauma therapy, which I resisted trauma therapy. What trauma could I have had from a relationship? I wasn't hit. I didn't understand. I didn't have [00:19:00] the knowledge of knowing what abuse really looks like and that, and what I had lived, lived through. Eventually I separated from services with a woman's place.

It was kind of time for me to leave. You can stay forever. You can continue therapy. You can continue in support groups. They have great educational programs. I decided that it was time for me to separate because I wanted to start volunteering. And so I went through their core training, which gives you the ability to go to tabling events.

Michael Schweisheimer: So did you say Core training or court training?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Core. C O R E. They're like basic training that they do. You spend a morning with them. It's great overview of the organization and you can go and represent the organization, you know, at fairs and festivals when they have tables. You can sort donations. And I said, this isn't enough for me.

So I went through a 75 hour training program through. PCADV, which is the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Now, a woman's place organized my training, but I did most of it [00:20:00] through the work of PCADV. And then I did 25 hours on the hotline getting certified, which was frightening. So now the very place where I called into, I was now taking those calls.

Nothing was more powerful for me. And then I also help lead their support groups now. And I also, I just led in the winter months of 2024, one of the educational programs that I had gone through.

Michael Schweisheimer: First of all, thank you for doing all of that work, but a hundred hours of training is, that's a hill to climb.

So many questions. Like, I could feel like that training could have been triggering for you just even to go through that after, you know, we're not a decade from your situation. Like, I could feel like that would be difficult in its own right.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yes, it was because it went over a lot of what I had been through.

However, it also opened my mind [00:21:00] to how much other abuse is out there. And my Every victim survivor, his or her story, is locked down in their experience, and you are in survival mode, so you're very insulated. In fact, you even go into support groups and you listen to everybody else, but you don't understand that this person may be LGBTQ, this person, they're leaving pets, they're leaving children behind, like, all of these different pieces.

The training just opened all of that up for me. And I still, I have to do eight hours of continuing at every year. And I make sure to always do that in an area that I know nothing about. So I don't do my eight hours, um, in the areas of like, Women leaving abusive men or the basics of domestic violence. Uh, I did one recently just on what happens if you're an incredibly religious or spiritual person.

I've done a bunch on LGBTQ. What is it like when people call social services on your family? What are the lower [00:22:00] socioeconomic levels of our society actually dealing with? So that I am exposed to all sorts of people in all sorts of walks of life who have had radically different experiences from mine, but that core of it.

is always the same, but I need to understand how many different kinds of people come into whatever I'm leading and managing for the center and all of the things that they could be bringing.

Michael Schweisheimer: The presence of abuse within our LGBTQ communities, I think, is something that I've been hearing about for a few years from different organizations that I've worked with.

So I'm glad that, uh, thanks for doing so much of your work around LGBTQ. Yeah,

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: you're welcome. 50 percent of the LGBTQ community. Well, that's what's reported. We'll suffer some level of domestic violence in a relationship. People claim it's a little higher. So yeah, it's frightening what's out there.

Michael Schweisheimer: Is that percentage similar in [00:23:00] hetero relationships or is it, is it a little bit different?

Or is it just we don't know yet because there's probably not as much research?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: We have stats so we know what's reported and kind of commonplace statistics that we use. 25 percent of men, 33 percent of women, and about 50 percent of the LGBTQ community are going to experience domestic violence at some point in their life.

That's about it. The stats, some of them are really out of date. My PhD is actually in statistics, so whenever I look at data like that, I'm kind of like, yeah, I don't really believe it. But, you know, and it's also only what's self reported. Yeah. Which is why I'm such a proponent, and I think what drives so much of me sharing my story is that There's money available when you're escaping.

So many people don't want to apply for it though. But I'm like, no, apply for it. Because that indicates to Harrisburg that the money is needed. It has to be used or they assume no one needs it. So again, [00:24:00] it's, it just gets all wrapped up in stats and who's reporting what and how things are coming to light.

Michael Schweisheimer: Because yeah, domestic violence, intimate partner violence is certainly something where There's so much work for us to do as a society to stop stigmatizing, to even afford someone the opportunity to self report. I mean, it's, it's, it is, uh, it's a many layered onion, that's for sure.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: And at the center is a lot of shame.

You know, I don't want you to know that I put up with this. And yet I deserve to get out and I had the stigma and I shared it in my story slam, you know, with my friends and family members, everybody's in 50 year marriages, my friends hitting the 20 year mark and I was like, I don't want them to know. And they all said, we don't want you living in abuse.

Are you kidding me? And I had this big joke, you know, Oh, uh, our ex boyfriend's going to say, Oh, I really dodged a bullet, not sticking with her. And they, and when I put that out there on the internet, He sent me [00:25:00] messages on Facebook. Jen, we would never think that independently of each other. You know, I heard from a couple of ex boyfriends, you know, cause you're friends with everybody on Facebook.

And they were like, I would never think that. I'm so glad you're safe. Then October of 2022 at the start of domestic violence awareness month, I started posting every day, something that I had learned about domestic violence that I didn't know until I started my healing journey. Got it. And I wanted to educate people.

And what happened in October of 2022 is I really gave myself another full time job in managing the comments. The prom queen, the most popular outgoing people from high school, from college, former colleagues popping out of the woodwork, me too. It was like my whole little me too movement. Jen, how do I get out of this?

I'm still being stalked. My sister is in this. Oh my gosh. If this can happen to you, it can happen to anyone. Tell us more. And at the end of the month, a friend of mine, who's a therapist said, where are you getting this content? I need it for my clients. And upon [00:26:00] hearing that it was clear to me that a book was needed.

So the book is called domestic violence awareness. Listen, listen for the whispers of abuse.

Michael Schweisheimer: So, all right. Can you explain. To me from your website, you offer yourself as a domestic violence trainer. What is that? And is that something new in the corporate training space? Cause I don't think I've come across that before.

And our company has done some work with some regional domestic violence organizations. So yeah, it's just new to me.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: So typically in corporations, there's business resource groups, employee resource groups. They have HR training on all sorts of health and wellness. And there's a big push right now in the mental health space and resilience.

And there's a lot of, uh, inclusivity work, LGBTQ, Black, Brown, all of those different groups. We want everybody to feel included. Domestic violence is actually one of the issues in the world that has [00:27:00] no bounds as far as position in a company, socioeconomic status, anything. But yet 75 percent of companies do not address domestic violence in any way.

But if I work for you, and I'm coming in late, and I'm not productive, and I'm taking days off from work, and I'm crying, or I'm frustrated, I could be a domestic violence victim myself, I could be supporting my sister every day as she's a victim, and I don't know what to do because I'm not empowered, and so the question is, how can a company support Um, and I'm going to be talking about how to support me either as a victim or as a support person.

And then how can the other colleagues support me as well? Because the more support I believe that awareness and education lead to empowerment and growth. That is my tried and true on just about any issue. I'm a professor, so of course there has to be that educational piece. But when I first started my advocacy work long before I got certified as an advocate, Long before I wrote the book, I [00:28:00] said, Okay, I'm going to start creating a lot of content and I'm going to go to the abusers.

And I'm going to tell them how wrong they are in wrecking everybody's life.

Michael Schweisheimer: Oh, that sounds, that sounds, how'd that go? How'd that work out?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Exactly. Well, you can't get to them, right? They don't even acknowledge that there's a problem. And certainly, if they even acknowledge that there's problems, it's not their fault.

And so we all have to understand the perils that the abuser has lived through. So then I said, I'm going to, Go after and help everyone else understand what domestic violence looks like beyond broken bones and bruises. So what does emotional abuse, psychological abuse, what does financial abuse and post separation abuse look like?

So that everybody has a full idea that when someone is leaving abuse, and you just heard about it in my story slam. The barriers to abuse, those are real, those are like concrete blocks tied around your feet. So, how can we support a victim as she's trying to [00:29:00] leave through that? How do I bring this message to the people?

A lot of people work for companies. They said, let me go to the companies, let me do HR training. Even customer service reps on the phone, when I would call as a victim and say, help me. Like, my bank. When I would call and say, okay, I got to lock this down. They wouldn't even know what to do when I would say, okay, but I'm leaving abuse.

Michael Schweisheimer: And so,

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: yeah. So, and they felt unempowered.

Michael Schweisheimer: Well, they probably weren't empowered, unfortunately.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: So they couldn't help me. They didn't have the lingo down and I was always hysterical. So that's, and that's a problem. So yeah, it's all those pieces that have to come together so that we can really start to realize that this is a problem, but it's also something I don't want to say it's.

Solvable, but we can all manage it a lot better.

Michael Schweisheimer: Yeah. So in a perfect world, have you started speaking to companies yet or are you still getting that part of it to begin.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: [00:30:00] I can't say who, but I did just book fairly large fortune 500 company for the first time, which is really fun. And at the same time, it's like, oh my gosh, like it's working.

Michael Schweisheimer: So when we're thinking about at a large company, like I think what you're talking about in terms of like Frontline customer service for boy, it could be anything could be banks could be property managers. I'm sure you can help me come up with other lists of frontline people that would interact with someone trying to extricate themselves from abuse.

Um, But I'm curious, is your goal to start at HR departments so that the C suite or HR teams are aware, or do you want to get straight to frontline staff? I'm curious what your plans are.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yes, to all. So at the top of the food chain, the C suite has to understand that funding, days [00:31:00] off, and a lot of care is going to be taken.

And, uh, As the company figures out how to support domestic violence victims. They just can't say we're going to pay your legal bills or you get a month off from work or all of those things, but at least figure out an initial plan to say, okay, we are going to create a safe space for you to come and talk about what you need.

They just may need a couple extra days off to go to court. They may need a different schedule because now they have child care issues, whatever it is. So the C suite has to be on board.

Michael Schweisheimer: So you mentioned, are there actually companies that help pay legal fees for survivors?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: I haven't found any yet. I'm not suggesting, like I said, the normal divorce from an abuser usually starts at about 50, 000.

We're talking 50, 000 to 100, 000 in legal bills because the, and again, I have no idea That this was a thing when I was escaping legal abuse is a thing. They, the abuser typically goes what's called [00:32:00] pro se. Okay. They will represent themselves in their divorce, which gives them carte blanche access to the victim's attorney.

And filing motions and appearing in front of the judge and drags the victim in endlessly over. I had one friend who left a relationship like this and she was sued by her abusive ex husband because she paid a bill.

Michael Schweisheimer: Wow.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: So that's what you get. That's what you're wrapped up in with this. And so again, it may not be, okay, we're going to pay your legal bill, but we really understand where you're sitting at.

And that might be all it takes.

Michael Schweisheimer: Do you have visions for what kinds of policies you would want to see at large companies?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: I do. Once a victim, Has, let's say, self identified. The first thing is making sure that people have the wording in what to do when [00:33:00] they hear things out of colleagues at work where domestic violence is definitely happening in the relationship.

The thing not to say to them is Oh my gosh, this is domestic violence, he's abusive, you need to leave immediately or you need to tell him that he's being abusive and he'll stop. What we need to do is say to that victim slash survivor is, I'm here for you. I'm worried about what I'm, you know, what I'm hearing.

It's a little, it sounds a little scary. Tell me more.

Michael Schweisheimer: I will admit I'm completely ignorant of this. Are there rules or laws? I know they probably apply to larger, you know, Technically large companies that protect survivors from being fired for difficulty during that process. Like I know there are rules to protect people when we're sick, or if we're dealing with an ill family member, is it, are there any protections?

If you're suffering abuse,

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: there's very little now. I'm not an attorney my previous four years I've had a heck of a time just protecting myself [00:34:00] Let alone and I don't work for a company. I do know that when I teach at our local community college There's a lot of support for me as far as what classroom I was in What address am I using all of those kind of little things?

There is some support for survivors in In the world with protecting their address, but not entirely. There's a little bit of support in lower socioeconomic classes for leaving an apartment, leaving a rental situation if you're a victim of abuse. Not higher income apartments, but the HUD level apartments.

After that, there's very little There's a lot of legislation out there to protect a victim and or survivor in the world. I'm actually starting to work on it. There's some legislation, uh, in right now in Harrisburg, uh, and there's a couple of other things that are stirring. But again, what has to happen first is people have to understand that the emotional and psychological abuse that, [00:35:00] you know, victims and survivors endure is ongoing and they say sometimes worse than the physical abuse.

But we don't even know what to look for. So if your aunt doesn't have any control over her life, has no money, and is always humiliated by her husband, she could be in an abusive situation. But if your family doesn't say anything about it, really a company's not going to be able to say. We have to make sure that the word starts to get out there first.

Michael Schweisheimer: I don't want to violate anything in terms of your daughter's privacy. But do you mind telling me a little bit about how your daughters and you supported each other through this journey in the last several years?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Where the story slam ended was, like, we got to Pittsburgh. Yeah. Right? It was everything that had happened, and then we got to Pittsburgh, and I did fast forward through a little bit of what has happened.

As soon as we got to Pittsburgh, and I realized, and I did a little bit of research, I went and apologized to them. I felt like that was the first step. One piece you may not know about my story is that my [00:36:00] first husband, their father passed away.

Michael Schweisheimer: You know what? I did come across that when I was looking at some of your materials and I know you have that TEDx talk about that.

Um, but yeah.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Well, it is a whole story in itself, but John and I had a lot of peace when he passed away. I took the torch and realized that I had this enormous responsibility to do both jobs and to protect our children. And when we got to Pittsburgh and I realized that I hid not, had not hid the abuse from them well, that they had seen far more, that they were living with a lot of fear.

I felt tremendous guilt. guilt. And the only thing I really knew how to do at that point was apologize to them. I'm really sorry guys. I put you through that. And it was my middle daughter, Victoria, who said to me, mom, at least you're getting us out.

Michael Schweisheimer: There you go.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: And I was like, that is really all you can do in that position.

You can just fit the one thing that you can do is fix it and get them out. Like I did. And then I did, I will not talk about like the therapy maybe that they got, but I will say that they [00:37:00] were supported as much as they needed to be. And a big piece of it was getting on in their lives. Having said that, it was also COVID.

So, so we were living in a three bedroom apartment in Pittsburgh for a month, and then moved back altogether. And I had two kids who all they wanted to do was get back to their college friends. And then it just became a, when they wanted to talk about it, I would talk about it. When things were happening in my life, when we did have to file for a restraining order, I asked for their support.

I was always very honest with them about what was going on. I had a

And so when he would start to tick up, I put everyone on alert and I put everyone on alert of, okay, everybody go into the address protection program, make sure that you are protected. Let's make sure you're protected as much as you can be. When he flew to Florida and was stalking my older daughter at her internship at Disney World.

Okay, what can we put in place to protect you? And also, Keeping in mind that they were all adults. [00:38:00] So the only thing that I could do is guide. They didn't

Michael Schweisheimer: have parental rights or something like that. They're their own adults.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah. And when you raise into daughters to be independent, they turn out really independent.

Michael Schweisheimer: Good for you. That's that, that was the goal,

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: but they then would make their own decisions about things, but very supportive. And also. I did a lot of spoiling, which assuaged some of my guilt and made them feel that, okay, she's back in the game a little bit, which was really fun for us all. Life was also very peaceful for us.

I made sure that there was just a lot of peace. And I let them call a lot of the shots. A big part of abuse is that you have no control. And so they needed to know that if they wanted to move into an apartment on Tuesday, mom would drive the truck to Pittsburgh. Like I've got you. They just needed that 150 percent assurance that I had their back.

Michael Schweisheimer: So how are they doing today? [00:39:00]

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: They're doing really well. I'm happy to say, again, I raised them to be very strong, very independent. Sometimes that does come back to bite me. Uh, but my Yeah, that's worth getting

Michael Schweisheimer: bitten by.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah, it is. Like, hey, how about we all do this? I don't want to. I'm like, wait, what? I thought we Hold on a minute.

Everyone's graduated from college, which their dad and I placed great importance on when they were growing up. Everyone did it in four years. They stayed true to those values. And, you know, there will be no fifth year paid for, so you better get out in four, kiddo. My youngest, you know, has a great job. Just bought her first condo in Philly.

My middle one is in law school and my oldest lives in Florida and has a phenomenal job as well. Everyone's happy, really happy. They have full lives. It's great. And they're all off the family payroll.

Michael Schweisheimer: I like the family payroll. I haven't heard exactly that phrase before. Similar ones. That's good.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Which is one of my other goals, raise them to be independent, get their stuff out of my house, which I have not done yet, [00:40:00] and get them off the family payroll.

I have not

Michael Schweisheimer: heard of very many people that have all of the stuff. out of their house. That's just, that seems pretty rare to me. Thanks for, you know, updating us about your daughters. It's really cool that your daughter came with you to the Story Slam. Um, I'm glad you guys didn't make each other cry.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Almost.

Michael Schweisheimer: So this has been a very intense conversation. If people listening, if there's like one thing that you want them to take away from our discussion today or hearing your story, is it an action? Is it a piece of knowledge? Like what would you want people to take away from what we're talking about?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: The abuse.

is never the fault of the victim. Got it. It's not her fault. She, if she gets thinner, which was a big piece of my abuse, if she has more money, if she cleans better, straight, straight lines in the carpet from the vacuum, it will, he'll always move the target. The abuse is systematic. So the abuse is not their fault.[00:41:00]

That's the big one.

Michael Schweisheimer: So thinking about we've got that takeaway. I hope that everybody can really. Keep that in mind about it not being the fault of the victim of the survivor Um, let's make sure we share some resources and I definitely want to start with a woman's place Can you share the url for that?

We'll also put it in show notes.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah, so it's a woman's place dot org

Michael Schweisheimer: And then I know that's a shelter that's in the doylestown area. How can someone find? The organization that might be local to them if they want to either find support or get involved and support the organization.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: So the best place for them to go is what's called thehotline.

org. That is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can just call 1 800 799 7233. It's 1 800 799 SAFE. Okay. You can also just text 87, [00:42:00] no, 88788. And all that information is on their website. Their website's also filled with information about every domestic violence center in the United States. So no matter where you are, you can find the one that's local for you.

Michael Schweisheimer: One of the things I've always found interesting, just in terms of like how domestic violence can work, is almost every organization that I've been to, their website, there's often like a button somewhere, a large button that you can just hit to hide the website immediately, and I think that finding that feature on so many websites is something that taught me a lot about it.

What people are going through when they're starting to explore resources.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah. It can be very scary.

Michael Schweisheimer: Well, thank you for sharing those resources with us. Are there, are the things coming up in your world that you want to make sure that we know about or ways to find you that you want to share?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah, I'd love to share.

So if you are a small business owner, personality author, and you need [00:43:00] support with digital marketing, you can reach me at the gardella group. com. And just make sure we spell

Michael Schweisheimer: Gardella, just in case we Someone's actively trying to tap it in their phone.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah. The, and then Gardella is G A R D E L L A group.

com. Cool. And then my domestic violence work can be found at Jennifer, J E N N I F E R, Gardella, G A R D E L L A. com as well. That site is always in transition. Trying to find my footing there. Gotcha.

Michael Schweisheimer: And that would be, if someone's interested in finding your book, the JenniferGardella. com would be the best place to find that.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Absolutely.

Michael Schweisheimer: There's a link to it. Tell us the title of the book again.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah, the book is Domestic Violence Awareness. Listen for the whispers of abuse. It's available on Amazon.

Michael Schweisheimer: Okay. Do you think we'll see you back at a future mission story slam?

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Yeah, I have a couple of good ones. I've been thinking, you've really inspired me.

It's not just, do you have the story? It's how can you tell it in a compelling five minute way? [00:44:00] That's the fascinating part of the process. And I recommend everybody try to find the story that they can tell in five minutes. That's going to make a difference.

Michael Schweisheimer: Thank you very much for joining me on the podcast.

Um, I am glad that it is a Friday. I think that after a conversation like this, having a weekend to prioritize a little self care is probably going to be valuable.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: And I will say this. We didn't talk about this right up front. Sometimes I don't. If anything that we said here is triggering for someone, maybe they've realized that they are living in an abusive situation or their friend is.

Take care of yourself and reach out to the supports that we talked about, right? They're free, they're anonymous, just do some safety planning, whatever it is you need to do. But these topics are very triggering for some people. They're awakening. Uh, and so yeah, self care is the name of the game these days, I think.

Michael Schweisheimer: Okay. So we can look for the website for the National Domestic Violence [00:45:00] Hotline. Okay. So thank you again. And I really appreciate you taking the time.

Dr. Jennifer Gardella: Thank you! See you next time.

Michael Schweisheimer: I want to give additional thanks to you, our listeners. Please remember we are working hard to build the Mission Story Slam podcast and our events as a community, and that means it works the best when you also participate.

So that can be sharing thoughts about the podcast, suggestions for themes for the slams, attending the slams. or sharing our work within your own community. So you can reach out to us through our website, missionstorieslam. org, or connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Whatever you do, don't forget to mark your calendar for December 3rd.

That's a Tuesday evening and we'll be back at National Mechanics for Mission Story Slam 11. Until then, the Mission Story Slam podcast is produced by Dave Winston and edited by James Robinson. The pod is produced and brought to you by PWP Video. We are video with a mission. Find us at [00:46:00] pwpvideo. com. So till our next episode, I do plan to remain Michael Schweissheimer, and I look forward to sharing the next story behind the story with you

soon.